Severe depression

Anyone ever feel like they just can’t take it anymore? I feel like such a hypocrite because I have been on the cheering squad for others with this illness, at times. And yet here I sit, about as depressed as one can get. Maybe I’m just feeling sorry for myself, I don’t know. I don’t live, I exist. Every decision I make, every plan, absolutely everything I do, I have to do around this illness. I can’t be the equestrian I wanted to be or the runner I used to be. My career has been ruined. I am half the mother I could have been and I’m not the wife i want to be. For 11 years it has been like this. I can remember back before this disease reared its ugly head, I was a different person. An athlete. A go getter. I never worried about a nightcap with friends or staying out late. I knew I had tomorrow. I made plans. I laughed. I looked to the future with excitement, always living each moment to the fullest.
Granted, not every moment of the past 11 years has been spent dizzy. But the longest I have gone without feeling awful is about 4 months. Never long enough to make long term goals or plans. I always know its coming. And it does. How long does it stay? Depends. Sometimes a few days, sometimes months. I am tired of this life. I want to live again!
I’ve tried antidepressants but they bring on or exacerbate the dizziness/symptoms. But dizziness/symptoms depress me and i really need the antidepressants! How do I fix that? It would be almost funny if it wasn’t making me feel so awful.
I am very lonely ( ok some of it by choice) my husband works 15 hours a day. And I work from home ( try) my best friend died in December and I now see absolutely no one.
I went out on a limb and signed up for college courses as now I need to reinvent myself in midlife because my health conditions make it impossible to carry on with my current career, yet I have no idea how I will manage school with this condition.
Sorry for the rant/vent. I am just about to rock bottom and can take no more.

Sorry to hear you are feeling down at the moment…I know how you feel, although I haven’t been suffering with the dizziness part for as long (just over a year for me)

I can completely relate to feeling so restricted though, It makes me very depressed that I cannot just go out and do normal things that everyone else my age is doing (I’m 26), I live alone and I don’t see anyone either, socially I have seen about three people in the past 14 months. One of the major problems secondary to the dizziness / false motion is light sensitivity, to the point I have my sunglasses on all day long (even in the house) which makes me feel like a complete freak! I pray to god one day won’t have to wear them so much (or hopefully at all)

I set up my own business and work from home so that really keeps me occupied and focused, I don’t know what I would be doing without that. I have started going to the gym and doing some weights - I feel dizzy some days or messed up afterwards but it gets me out the house and is supposed to help with depression. I have also found walking really helps make me feel a bit more ‘stable’ when I am feeling off balance - I try to have a walk every day.

Sorry I don’t have much in the means of help, but I just wanted to say I can relate to how you feel at the moment.

Take care

Jimmy

I’m so sorry you’re feeling so down right now. I think one of the hardest things about this condition is the uncertainty, never knowing how long you’re going to feel bad and when you’re feeling better, how long before you’re going to feel bad again. It’s the worst! A gentler part of the condition is that it tends to be cyclical though, and there are better and worse periods. Things should get better from where you are now, it’s just so hard to remember that when you’re at the bottom of the cycle.

I don’t know if any of these tricks will be at all helpful for you, but I know when I’m feeling the worst, I tend to not only stay home, but also to stay indoors. If I could just get outdoors for a 15 or 20 minute walk, I found that it really helped (both the dog and me). I also tend to eat comfort foods which just make things worse, if I can eat at least one really healthy meal a day, I come out of the funk more quickly. When I’m depressed, I also get really focused on all the things I can’t do, so I try to make myself accomplish something during the day, even if it’s clean out the freezer or rearrange the linen closet, preferably something small that I’ve been avoiding. Of all of these, getting outdoors serves me the best.

I think its amazing that you’ve decided to try a new class! It sounds like you’re an optimistic at heart, just a really tired one. Consider yourself hugged.

Mary Lee

I think we’d all be lying if we said we never felt like we can’t take this anymore. We have all been there, wondering if the symptoms will ever go away, or if we will be able to do “normal” things again. It definitely sounds like you need a good pep talk. I know what it’s like to feel bad, and when it’s bad it’s really bad, but I have chosen to go with it. I continue to work full time (at a pretty demanding and physical job), and I went back to school and successfully completed my graduate program this spring. Sometimes I think you need to give things a try… You owe it to yourself. Do the things you like, and what’s the worst that can happen…you need to stop. At least you know you tried. I actually found that school and work are nice distractions. Additionally knowing that I can go out and try new things boosts my confidence, and may boost yours as well. MAV does make you feel defeated, but don’t let it. My motto has been " fake it to make it." I don’t talk about how I feel anymore because no one understands, and to be honest I don’t think anyone wants to know. As long as I am functioning I am happy, no matter how sucky I feel. Give yourself some credit for dealing with this, and come up with ways to make yourself happy. Take baby steps and see what you can and can’t tolerate. I say give class a try… You always have time to drop without penalty. Are you able to take a benzo to help with symptoms if they are too bad? One quarter of a klonopin on really bad days seems to help for me, and enables me to get through those rough patches.

As far as the antidepressants go…are you currently taking anything? It took my meds several months to fully work, and they actually increased my symptoms initially. Have you given them a fair trial?

Hang in there!

Many of us have been there, some worse than others. Do you have access to a therapist? Sometimes a few sessions with someone can help you work out of the funk. People will chronic illness go through grieving like those who lose someone - the stages of grief apply to us, it’s not always linear, and everyone will experience it differently. There are also some online resources for coping with chronic illness - some of those may be of help to you.

As for antidepressants, which have you tried? There are a LOT out there, both standard choices and some that are used off label for depression. There is likely still some options out there for you to try out if you and your doc feel you need medication.

Thank you to all of you, reading your posts really helped me out. Very nice to hear from people who actually understand and can relate to what I’m feeling. Sometimes I feel like an apple in a room full of oranges. While my family tries to be supportive, I do think they would rather I just keep quiet which only lends to the isolation. Jen, you are exactly who I needed to hear from, regarding school/work. I always wonder how people do it.
I can and do take a benzo when things get rough. I’m not sure how that would help me if I started an antidepressant. If things get too much worse for me I will be trying again.
I saw my neuro on Friday and he wants me to take petadolex 150 mg every day and report back in a month since I seemed to have some luck with it as an abortive, albeit temporary. So perhaps that drug will be my winning ticket. (Trying to regain some optimism here) and if not, on to plan B. I’m so grateful for this forum! Thanks for listening to me. I’m not usully one to do that. :wink:

I am so sorry to hear that you are suffering. It really does a number on our emotional well being, as well as the physical b.s. that comes along with it.
I am not sure of your history, as to what meds you’ve tried, but I will say I was at the near end of wanting to live, and was just existing. I found a medicine that helped me and for 4 years now have been much more like my old self, although I doubt I will ever be
entirely…the acceptance of our new “normal” is certainly trying…
If you are wanting to try something to help with your depression, and quite possibly your MAV, I would be happy to guide you a little if I can…I have had a lot of experience with these type of meds, and might be of some value…totally up to you…no pressure.
Hugs to you…
Kelley

I feel the same way. Except I have no family to keep going for. My parents have been just awful throughout this ordeal, never believing me or thinking theres anything wrong with me. Over 5 years of constant rocking and they still think there’s no neurological problem, just emotional issues that therpay will fix (I went to therapy for almost a year but since I didn’t get better it was my fault anyhow for not “wanting to”). They’ve made me lose hope in humanity to be honest, people seem to just act out their emotions and they rationalize irrational thoughtpatterns so they don’t have to give them up, never questining their own behaviour or if what they’re doing is right… And since acknowledging their children can get sick means my parents can get sick and die, which is of course unacceptable… you get the idea.

And my health keeps getting worse slowly but steady, so I know where this is going unfortunately.

Best of luck.

I forgot to ask, what meds are you on now? (including rescue meds like anti-nausea meds) Some of them have depression as a side effect, and can really worsen the mental side of this whole thing. Being aware of those types of things can help guide you and your treatment.

Mikhael,
I wish i could help you. This attitude of blaming people for their illness is unjust and has sprung out of new-age thinking,
it is unfair to suggest we somehow want to be ill. Tell your parents it has a genetic component so one or both of them
has passed it to you.Ha. you have been ill for a long time, it is exhausting dealing with others when we have to find new way to live,
keep trying to push through.

Hi Dizzy, the only mess I take are the petedolex, which unfortunately, is not working any longer ( if it ever did) but I will keep taking for the prescribed time anyway. My rescue drug is lorazepam and I do take one at night if symptoms get real bad.
Michael, I really feel for you. I understand what it is like to have an unsupportive family. If you can walk and talk and hold a conversation, people become convinced we are fine and that it is ‘all in our heads’. It is human to need support. When we can’t get that, the disease becomes worse. There are plenty of invisible illnesses that people acknowledge as real illnesses, one that comes to mind is MS. I’m waiting for the day when MAV gets the same respect.
My condition is hereditary. My father passed it down to me and now a cousin on his side is getting it too. I don’t think either of them get it as often or as bad as I do but at least I have their support if and when I really need it. And if (God forbid) my kids are afflicted with it I will make sure they get the love and support that they need. However, my immediate family, husband and kids, do not understand, not do they really care to. So for the most part, I keep quiet and it gets very hard. Try and reach out to someone who understands, either through PM on this site or others. I did. That is the reason for my original post. It just gets the best of us. Lately, I have been dizzy and tired more than I haven’t. :frowning:

^ meds

— Begin quote from “Whirli67”

Hi Dizzy, the only mess I take are the petedolex, which unfortunately, is not working any longer ( if it ever did) but I will keep taking for the prescribed time anyway. My rescue drug is lorazepam and I do take one at night if symptoms get real bad.
Michael, I really feel for you. I understand what it is like to have an unsupportive family. If you can walk and talk and hold a conversation, people become convinced we are fine and that it is ‘all in our heads’. It is human to need support. When we can’t get that, the disease becomes worse. There are plenty of invisible illnesses that people acknowledge as real illnesses, one that comes to mind is MS. I’m waiting for the day when MAV gets the same respect.
My condition is hereditary. My father passed it down to me and now a cousin on his side is getting it too. I don’t think either of them get it as often or as bad as I do but at least I have their support if and when I really need it. And if (God forbid) my kids are afflicted with it I will make sure they get the love and support that they need. However, my immediate family, husband and kids, do not understand, not do they really care to. So for the most part, I keep quiet and it gets very hard. Try and reach out to someone who understands, either through PM on this site or others. I did. That is the reason for my original post. It just gets the best of us. Lately, I have been dizzy and tired more than I haven’t. :frowning:

— End quote

Gotcha on the meds. Those don’t cause depression that I am aware of, so it’s good you don’t have that aggravating things.

Also, your bolded statement is so true. For me, walking is EXHAUSTING as it takes a ton of energy for me to keep upright and not fall over or veer all over the place. Since people can’t SEE the issue, it seems many choose to believe the entire thing is psychosomatic. It can really make us feel that much more alone in this, and I feel like we definitely need to seek support from others who understand - not to wallow (well, sometimes :slight_smile: ) but to have positive energy supporting our desire to get answers and get better.

One of my kids asks me EVERY day how I am feeling. I love that they express such caring, but hate that this “thing” impacts their lives… Children shouldn’t have to worry about whether or not Mom is having a good day or a bad day. Most of the time I just smile and act cheerful even though it’s an effort just to “be.”