Hi Mike.
I too am sorry that you’re struggling so much right now. I’ve been there. All MAVericks have. MAV is a crisis on nearly every level of who we are from the physical and material to the emotional and the spiritual. It strips you down to the core of who you are and can destroy you or remake you better. I think for almost all of us, it is the latter, though it takes much patience and fortitude to get there. Fortunately, MAV may take away a lot of things but our attitude - our response - is something we have complete control over. (Much like a diet, that controlled response can and maybe should slip a little sometimes. Enjoy a chocolate pity party truffle on occasion.)
I know what it’s like to lose your foundation, your world view, your hopes and dreams for the future, your very identity. I have spent way too much time in suicidal thoughts and recriminations, in utter hopeless desperation and grief, especially most of last year as I sent my successful business into a controlled crash and risked all that hard earned progress in order to save my own life, or at the least - my sanity, because MAV forces hard choices. 2019 was a very painful year. I understand the long term impact to your psyche - and your finances.
There have been times when I’ve questioned my faith (and it’s not something I’ve talked about here because I view faith as a private, intimate matter between each of us and the Divine - however you personally define that). But I have not abandoned God, because I do not feel abandoned. If anything, when I’ve felt most desperate, when I’ve cried out to the wind and given up completely, that is when I most feel held. But I have to give up control, abdicate totally to finally hear and feel that thing that is beyond myself. It is humbling beyond measure.
I feel mightily challenged. Job level challenges and like you, some Job level of indignant anger and helplessness. We are all blameless and yet we are beset with on-going and unfair challenges and tribulations that will not end. (Though they can get very much better.) How can you not curse God in that circumstance? There are a lot of times I’ve spent starting at the ceiling - it might as well have been the belly of Jonah’s whale (or big fish in Hebrew) - wondering if I’d ever see the light of day again. (Spoiler on that one - right now, I’m in the sunshine and grateful for it. I thought I’d always live in the dark but I was wrong. You, too, will see the sun again.)
Despite two decent references just there, I’m not a great Christian. My dad was a minister when I was a kid - much more orthodox and rigorous than the formal Southern Baptist training he received at the Bible College. Fear and shame were meant to be our dominant emotions. They still are if you listen to him. He has a very black and white, painful sort of belief system that is meant to subjugate. It is a wonder my faith survived. But it did survive, mainly I think because faith isn’t a system of beliefs you ascribe to, like buying a particular brand of car or working out stock options. Faith is an emotion, like love. Nobody needs to tell you when you are in love. And, if you listen in your heart, you can tell that you are loved. There is more there than you can see. I survived my ugly childhood because of a child’s faith and because even in desperation I could still find a place inside myself where God dwells. I survive MAV the same way. I don’t know much gospel, but I do know God. I can still hear the still, small voice, when I get outside my own box and listen for it.
I have actually come to see MAV as a blessing rather than a curse. I also see it, paradoxically, as a direct answer to prayer. It sounds crazy, I know. Several years ago, though after I had MAV but before it became a chronic disability for me, I asked God to make me a better person. I asked to have my ego torn down, to have my assumptions questioned, to become a more authentic person. (Be very careful what you ask for because that works in mysterious ways thing can be a real bitch.) MAV seems to fit that bill exactly. MAV has taught me so many lessons. I have learned humility, kindness, compassion, empathy, strength through vulnerability, patience, acceptance and eventually, I was reborn. I don’t mean the born again kind of reborn. I mean as a person, a spiritual entity on this earth. I had to give up my ego, my assumptions, my control. In return, I learned who I am. I’m living a kind of freedom I would never have thought possible. I am loved and I am enough as I am without the Type A hard driving job, the reputation, the material trappings. I learned to give up my expectations and not care what anyone thought. I learned that failure was an ok option, because I’m here to learn. I’m better for MAV. And because of MAV and the lessons I’ve learned, I am more resilient to handle the things that are happening in the wider world right now. Because of MAV, I am ready to share my new abilities with others - my ability to manage trauma, my resourcefulness, my compassion, my patience and fortitude, my empathy, my strength in vulnerability. I feel blessed.
‘The Hasidic teacher, Rabbi Bunam, said that ’ A man should carry two stones in his pocket. On one should be inscribed, "I am but dust and ashes ". On the other, “For my sake was the world created”. And he should use each stone as he needs it.’ The experience of the Whirlwind has taught Job to use the first stone. But what we need, and what the book of Job tries, with only partial success, to teach us, is how to use them both together. (https://spot.colorado.edu/~morristo/GodsAnswerToJob.pdf)
With love, Emily