I am so sorry for your situation. You are in a horrible situation. I have young children also and dealing with my own guilt over being sick and not being the mom that I really want to be is bad enough but having someone shoving it in your face would be almost unbearable. You ARE a good mom. One of the best gifts that you can give your children is teaching them understanding and compassion. That is one opportunity that this condition from hell has given you. I understand the feeling on not thinking you can go on anymore. Can you remind yourself that this condition is inconsistent and that tomorrow may be a better day? Whenever I am in a bad way, I tell myself like a montra, “this is temporary. I can do this”.
This ordeal has taken a toll on my marriage as well. It has been heartbreaking for me to see how my husband has responded. It is nowhere to the degree with what you are dealing, but even with lack of support and comments thrown my way here in there it has taken a toll on me mentally and physically. You have to take care of yourself whatever that entails for you. I don’t see how you can recover in that environment. I don’t know what support you have around you to change your situation but I urge you to look at your options. I know it is very complicated because of the children.
Please know there are a lot of people here for you who truly understand. You are not alone. You are strong, if you weren’t you would not have come this far.
I’m so, so sorry to read about the struggles you’re having. I agree with the other comments. The stress must surely be exacerbating the MAV! I know you want to do your best for your children, but sometimes I guess that means finding space to try and help heal yourself first..?
I’ve had a long, hard struggle with the Topamax, and if I’m honest, it’s probably only having read Rich2008’s success story on these forums, that has kept me going. I had a really difficult time, for several weeks, after starting at 25mg, but the side effects can gradually settle down, if you give them time. Given all that you’re going through right now, why not consider the 15mg capsules if you have to, and go as slow as you need to. Topamax has definitely started to work for me, so hopefully it could also have a positive effect for you. I wish you all the best DizzyLizzy - hang in there…
if there’s anything to feel good about it’s that I reckon you’ll definitely come good again in a big way if you can just get this unnecessary stress out of your life right now. It’s just going to be so difficult to have a med help you when you’re feeling so understandably bad given the situation.
Please look for some help from the doctor or anyone else you can think of nearby.
I took half my top dose last night (12.5 mg). This morning I feel like a truck ran over my frontal lobe and a thresher ran through my occipital lobe. That was before they put me on the big dipper.
I have few other friends now I can rely on after so many years of this. People see me as the life and soul, glamorous, clever, independent woman, and patience and pity wane once I become the pathetic, stinking, whinging, helpless wreck, and because they don’t really understand this illness, the stigma of mental illness always seems to hang about.
Been offline so am just catching up with everyone. So very sorry to hear about what’s been going on with you. Hope the visit to the doctor is everything you need it to be and marks a turning point. You’ve done well to take a positive step forward despite feeling so abysmal. Credit to you for that. May today bring you both relief and hope. We’re all thinking of you and wishing you nothing but the very best.
Hi there Lizzy, so good you took yourself to the doctor today … & that you’ve gone down to 12.5mg - it took me a couple of days on 12.5mg before the nightmare side-effects calmed down. I intend to stay here on 12.5mg for at least another couple of weeks before very very slowly upping the dose. Let us know how you went with the doctor.
It’s been really helpful being able to vent and everyone’s comments have been welcome. I truly value all that had been said and can see I have many friends here who understand.
A quick update -
My GP has told me to stop the topiramate immediately and not restart it till I’m feeling better. He also says I should take 0.25mg - 0.5mg clonazepam daily if necessary until I’m feeling better, and to go and see him in a week. He signed me off work for a week too.
Hopefully things will slowly improve. At least on the physical front…
Dizzy Lizzy - I’ve been following the threads. so very sorry about all the turmoil you’ve been going through. I agree with everyone else: check into your support resources to see what can be done. You need less stress and more safety and sanity in your life. Also important: it’s probably a good thing to back off the Topamax for now. I’ve been on Topamax since December 2011, and even at 75 mg per day, I can’t even fathom taking it along with another anti-seizure medication much less the dothiepan (?) that you are on - that seems like too much medication. Even though Toapmax has been a lifesaver for me, I don’t think it “plays well” with a lot of other strong medications. We’re here to support you, girl. Hang in there. You deserve to feel better.
Hang in there DL - at least your GP was supportive and a benzo hit for a few days might help “reset” things for you a bit and help you get on top of the stress a bit
I so sorry Dizzy Lizzy that you have been going through so much. I know the stress doesn’t help at all. I have complained many times in front of my kids, not purposefully ofcourse, but sometimes when you feel awful, you just have to say it. The only one of my children who really undersands is my 10 year old, and I dont like him seeing me when I’m very ill but I have no choice. I am a stay at home mom an do everything for my kids, I can’t hide out or anything. I’m lucky that my husband is more than understanding, and this has strengthened our marriage even more, I don’t know how I would get through all this without him. You need that support, he needs to remember his vows to you. In sickness and in health. I beat myself up about not being the mom I used to be, especially since I just had a baby in April. I hope you can get relief soon. I take Valium each night, and know many on here do take benzos daily, and they help. Keep us updated.
