Feeling badly and blaming myself

For the last few months following a VT program, I’ve been doing relatively well. I was given home exercises to do but with the relief of feeling more like my old self, I really slacked off on doing them – I just wanted to forget about all of this crap. I’m not saying I didn’t do any of the home practice, but it hasn’t been nearly as much as I was told to. Now it’s 3 months later; I have my reevaluation in 2 weeks, and just in the last 2 days I’ve started feeling really disoriented again… a kind of disorientation that I forgot I could even feel compared to the here-and-there dizziness I’ve had recently. I am not reacting well to this emotionally. The thought of going back to where I started – and perhaps in large part because I haven’t been committed to my exercises – is absolutely killing me. I know the anxiety makes everything 20x worse, but I just cannot even begin to consider that I might continue to wake up like this without becoming hysterical. I am going to start doing the exercises religiously but of course I can’t help thinking maybe now it’s too late. I can’t work, I can’t think, I can’t do anything… I am totally consumed in this. Last night I had to take an extra klonopin just to get to sleep (which is never a problem for me). I guess I’m just looking for some encouraging words today to tell me I’m not a royal screwup because I certainly am not able to do that for myself!


first of all take a deep breath! You are a human being and we are all imperfect. It is easy to push things under the rug that are connected to negative feelings/emotions…things we would rather not think about. So if you were feeling better and didn’t want to keep dealing with MAV, it’s only natural. We learn from our mistakes, and you can chalk this up to learning that you need to keep on top of things to prevent a backwards slide. This is a chronic condition, and it sucks. But it was the hand that we were dealt, and we must persevere.
That being said, it sounds like your anxiety is getting the best of you…it’s good to use the klonopin for acute stages…easier to prevent the anxiety from escalating than to deal with full blown panic…forgive yourself for not being on your rehab game 100%, and move forward. Looking out the back of the boat doesn’t do us any good. (and can make us seasick!!)

Thanks, Kelley. You are always so great about this. How are you doing these days?

I actually went back to the doctor who sent me to VT last week (just before this backslide, coincidentally) and he said he is not convinced this is MAV since I did respond to VT. But all the symptoms, family history, chronic-ness, and strangely weird similarities (like issues with some types of computers, which Scott experiences) still make me feel like I fit in here. In any case, I’m going to allow myself an extra klonopin or two in the next few days and hope for the best. Anxiety is certainly a bigger beast for me than anything else.

Adrienne, it’s really tough so don’t beat yourelf up about it. You’re just having a bad patch and you will get over it. For me, the anxiety was one of the worst things about this condition - I really thought I was dying and I just couldn’t cope. It helped me by starting to think “so what”. So, “so what” if you haven’t stuck to your exercises, just start them now - what are they really going to do about it? It’s probably making you ill because you’re thinking about your re-evaluation. It’s not too late to start them now and
I don’t know if this will help you, or if I’m making sense? But I remember feeling exactly like you and I can confirm that you aren’t a royal screwup!
Good luck

— Begin quote from “tracey c”

It helped me by starting to think “so what”. So, “so what” if you haven’t stuck to your exercises, just start them now - what are they really going to do about it?

— End quote

That is helpful, Tracey. I guess the part that upsets me is I’ve only hurt myself, and that should’ve been the biggest motivator – to stay well. But there is no point in dwelling. I can only move forward. Your kind words are very appreciated today!