After my year gallavanting around the world to get a break from it all, I’m finally back to work tomorrow. I must admit I’m quite nervous about whether I can handle it all, but to be honest there is no point putting it off - I will have to do as a lot of you do and work with the pain, as I doubt this condition will ever ‘properly go away’ for me. Its a good job with good money so I’m keeping my fingers crossed.
How am I getting on?
I have had a lot better days/ weeks since the start of the year, but that said I’m still not solid at all. All last week I have had a flu/bug of some sort, so I will start work tomorrow feeling very dizzy and ill - but I guess it wouldn’t be right to start any other way would it?! I’m hoping the dizziness settles down soon. I’m sticking with Pizotifen for a while and toying with the idea of throwing citalopram into the mix.
As I have mentioned to Scott, I honestly don’t know whether any drugs have any benefit or whether it is all totally random. This illness is so unpredictable it could be that I just have better periods - call it the MAV cycle if you will. I’m just hoping at some point I will be a given a long breather again to really press on with my career, instead of carrying my MAV ball & chain around. Whats even funnier is nobody at work will have a clue…the joy of living a ‘double life’.
Good on you for throwing yourself in the deep end like that. I think you’ll find that you’re capable of much more than you’d think with this. All I do is make sure I have everything well planned ahead so that I don’t have to rely to heavily on my memory. When I’m in a “cycle” memory goes down hill pretty quick and I have trouble recalling stuff. On a good day it’s all there. You’ll have to wing it sometimes too when you’re out of it and off the planet. If I’m really in the sh*t, I have valium on hand at all times. Might be worth it for you if you feel like you’re getting too wound up on the job and the dizz is getting worse from the anxiety.
Good luck Monday and let me know how day 1 pans out. I’m sure all will be well once you feel comfortable in the job and get to know everyone.
I share your skepticism/uncertainty about whether any of these meds really work. I’ve only been on medication (Prothiaden) for a year, all previous MAV episodes “burnt out” over weeks or months, so I really can’t say with any certainty if I’m better now because of the drugs or the migraine just faded away of its own accord. A few months back my symptoms started to creep back so titrated up to 150mg - maximum dose. Now pretty much OK (although had a wobbly night with moving floors on Saturday, and at a loud Chinese restaurant for new year which didn’t help) so who can say if it’s the drugs, placebo or just time? The only drug I can definitively say does work is Valium, as the effects are so obvious and kick in within half an hour or so.
Anyway, best of luck with the new job. I think we are all pretty much experts at faking it at work when we need to - feeling like you’re in the cone of silence trying to focus on people, pretending you can hear them properly and so on. Just don’t ask anyone if the floor is moving - 99/100 times it’s not. The other one time you’ll know it really is as everyone else will be screaming with panic and running for the emergency exits. I’m seeing a lot of “Keep calm and carry on” posters at the moment - good advice. If that doesn’t work Valium makes an excellent plan B.
Good luck with it all, I am also a professional in the field of faking it. I know we’ve spoken about this before, but when I started a huge work project seven or so months ago, I’d just had a meltdown with effexor and was about as sick as I’ve ever been apart from when this first started. I managed to go in and faked my way through a few weeks of this before things came good. As Scott said you’ll be surprised by what you’re capable of. You may even find that your MAV likes the routine. I have been much worse since the really heavy work load eased up and I’ve had more free time. The irregular schedule has messed with me much more.
Ironically I am about to travel and bricking it; am about to write a post about it.
Good luck Luke. I understand the faking “I am OK” bit. Its the only way. The few times I have tried to explain this illness to anyone who hasnt experienced it, the face on the person I am telling is always the same and its this one … :?
So my first day was quite hardcore. Lots of work to be done & much responsibility! My head wasnt too bad when I woke up, but I had some pretty bad dizziness all day, which I managed to get through. It brought bad some pretty bad memories of working while ill with this crap, but I’m hoping the dizziness will ease up soon.
Anyhow - its up and onwards now & no more sick days, however bad it gets. Try and lead a normal life as possible till the miracle happens - complete health.
Its not going too badly. I seem to be managing ok. I have a massively big pitch to give which is business critical in the next few days, so I’m hoping on the day I dont have a real ‘bad’ day. In general, I feel below average - always dizzy - but just plough on through. I have kind of just adjusted to working feeling far from normal.
Good for you Luke. I admire the way you push through, travel the world, and jump back into the working world without letting migraine stop you from living your life. You must be the determined type, or maybe just stubborn.
— Begin quote from “Dizzyrascal”
I have kind of just adjusted to working feeling far from normal.
— End quote
I’ve decided I have a new normal. I’ve realized lately that some of the symptoms that used to be very noticeable to me are just part of my new normal now. Fortunately, I haven’t struggled with true vertigo or dizziness in quite a while. I’m able to deal with what remains of my symptoms with my pharmaceutical-enhanced attitude and energy level. 8)
I like the way you put that Marci and what you said in the other post about not wallowing in this. So very true but it can be a long road to travel to arrive at that point. I don’t know how you experienced that but the penny sort of dropped for me about 3 years ago that I would have to just accept this “new” normal and just get over it and stop the resistance. Sometimes it approaches the old normal but it’s never quite the same … like a parallel universe or something. lol
You’re a real trooper Luke and inspiring to everyone here. Good luck on the pitch and hope the damned dizziness drops off. How are you finding Cipramil again? What dose are you on at the mo?
