So I’m feeling a bit crazy at the moment. After going through a rough few weeks for no obvious reason at all, I’ve upped the Topamax to 25mg in the morning and 50mg at night and feeling a lot better aside from the shit short term memory loss.
But what I have noticed is that, when I have a bad patch with this illness, I find it difficult to cope with any aspect of my life, I get so frustrated that I have zero patience, I am grouchy, I am grumpy, I am generally a horrible arsehole.
When I first got hit with the ‘big bang’ I was in a long term relationship. 4 months later my best friend died. 6 months after that I split up with my boyfriend. I just felt that having to deal with MAV and the death of my friend had made me re-evaulate life so much. I was older than my boyfriend. I decided I needed more stability, a more serious relationship in which I could see us settling down, getting married and having kids. I couldn’t see that with him, so I ended it, despite the fact that he had always supported me so well with this thing. I know that if MAV hadn’t developed, I would have stayed with him, and I would have been happy.
A few months later, I fell in love with some one else. (Ok, some might say this was too fast, but whatever, I say follow your heart.) We had 4 months of an amazing relationship, though things were super fast. We did everything in fifth gear. He is fantastic at looking after me with ‘my shit brain’. He reminds me to take my pills, he comes with me to the doctors, he really understands it all, he kind of ‘project manages’ my MAV, he calms me down when I get carried away thinking a bad patch will never end and he is a fantastic cook so cooks to my Dr S diet… BUT since I started getting the bad patches around the Olympics, on and off, things have started to take a nose dive. And I know why, it’s the MAV again. It’s because I can’t handle it. It turns me into an emotional wreck, it turns me into someone who can’t deal with anything.
As soon as I get a rough patch, I can’t take on anything, I think the world is against me, every thought is negative and I just can’t function. I pick fights with everyone about anything and of course, that includes those nearest to me. So again, I’m letting MAV beat up and destroy another relationship, take away another love.
I just don’t know how to stop this destructive behaviour. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Has anyone else got any advice?
It’s not that either of these guys didn’t understand what I was going through because they did and do… He doesn’t make me go out drinking, he understands when I say I don’t want another glass of wine (I do SOMETIMES say that ) , I get looked after, I get so much support from him… But the MAV over takes everything.
I guess a dizzy few weeks after being at 75% for a while takes away so much confidence and spirit from me, that no matter what anyone does, I just feel so angry with the world, so angry that I’m not who I once was and can’t be who I want to be.
And now it’s blatantly gonna ruin another relationship.
Sorry for ranting. I still don’t even know what I mean really. This Topamax isn’t really helping me make any linear or clear judgements. I’m going for a large glass of wine, f*ck it.