Need some help. Feeling so down

I am currently 20weeks pregnant and got hit with a massive 3 day vertigo attack at 11 weeks along. Since then the vertigo has gone but I’m left with disequilibrium, full ears and tinnitus at night. I feel totally hopeless. I have two and a half year old twin boys and I’m so depressed that I can barely even care for them. I keep trying to hold out hope that since a hormonal increase was clearly my trigger that once my hormones go back to normal after I have the baby that ill be myself again. My husband doesn’t understand and thinks its just pregnancy. He is supportive but he doesn’t like my “bad attitude”. I feel completely lost and alone and I just cry multiple times per day. I realize there is a success stories portion of the site but there’s many less success stories than stories of struggle. I can’t accept that I may function at a % of what I was. I feel like my kids got ripped off. I went from being a mom who did everything for/with them to curled up in a ball on the couch. Please if anyone could give me a little hope I could really use some.

I just wanted to say that I know exactly how you feel. I have had this for 4.5 yrs now and I have pretty much given up all hope of recovery. I rememeber at the beginning and how depressed I felt and cried every day. People thought I was being too negative when I said I didn’t think I would recover as it wasn’t going away, doctors practically laughed at my concern and my family didn’t understand and thought I was just overly anxious. But here I am 4.5 yrs later and still suffering!

I know pregnancy can flare things up and there is every chance things will get better for you once you have had the baby. Also you will be able to try some meds by that point and things may well settle down. At least you can take comfort from the fact that you already have children. I find it hard to imagine being able to have kids at all due to this. Sometimes I question whether migraine can really be at the bottom of all this. It just feels like I will never be able to put this behind me. I don’t want to make you feel worse but please know you aren’t alone feeling like this xx

I am so sorry you’re going through this. I can relate to the hopeless feelings and crying – and I didn’t have little ones nor was I pregnant when I hit my lowest! I realize there’s nothing I can say to make this better, but please know that there are many on this site who understand how you feel and can assure you that this is a real condition, not a “bad attitude.” There are still good days ahead of you, and there’ll probably be some not so good ones as well.

At one point I would tell myself, “Tomorrow will be different.” I wouldn’t say “better” because I knew that might not be true. But it would be different and I wouldn’t be facing the exact set of circumstances and types of dizziness that I had the day before. Please don’t lose hope.

Take care of yourself.

I’m so sorry you feel so poorly, caring for yourself with this is hard let alone with children esp twins (I have 10 mth old twin girls so can relate!)

Hormones are one of my biggest triggers and during the girls pregnancy i had some very rough times so really do know how you feel, i found first tri and the end bit to be the worse but i did have some times during second tri that were a bit better…please though do not give up hope…i felt much better a few months post birth and am back to my baseline now which isn’t brilliant but i sorta live with it.

There is a very good chance that after your pregnancy you will start to feel better i promise!

Do you anyone to help you with the boys? Have you found diet helps at all? Caffeine, msg, citrus and nuts seem my big ones.

Try to stay positive, depression really ramps this up, your boys won’t remember mummy on the sofa a bit more than usual longterm and hopefully you will be up for doing more with them soon xxxx

I have lots of help with the boys from my mom and brother.But it makes me feel terrible that I rely so much on others. My mother in law actually told me that I’m “selfish” and “Need to stop making everything about me and start taking care of my kids and husband”. I just don’t understand any of this. I just woke up one morning and boom my life is basically over. I feel like I died that day and now I’m in hell.
I do follow the diet but I don’t think that diet has anything to do with my trigger. Pretty sure it’s all hormonal. My OB has started me on Zoloft 2 days ago because I’m so down and not gaining weight. I hope it will help with he MAV too.
I can’t imagine going through life never feeling myself again.
Does anyone have complete remission of these symptoms without the use of meds?

P & D-

I can so relate to everything you’ve said. It is very difficult to have an “invisible” illness, one where you look perfectly normal on the outside, but feel terrible on the inside. I have had a couple of people tell me anxiety is causing my symptoms. Funny how I was never anxious before the room started moving.

It’s only been recently that I noted one of my pupils dilates about 50% more than the other in a moderately-lit room. To me, this is an objective sign that there is something really wrong, and I feel vindicated…

About 3 months into this “thing,” I, too, came to the realization that I was only getting worse and not better. I spent several months on the couch trying to keep my head still, crying and mourning for my former life. At some point, I realized it wasn’t going to kill me to feel constant rocking, bobbing and tilting, and I made a conscious decision to live life the best I could. I got off the couch, started walking several times a day and spent hours outside (where I felt better) watching my kids ride their bikes and throw balls. It is not easy, but it’s easier when you make yourself participate in life. My suggestion is that you mourn, accept it, and move-on making a life the best you can. You may very well find that your symptoms go away, and this will just be a little blip in your life. And, you will realize you are now different than you were because you now have compassion and empathy for the people in this world who are fighting silent battles.

You will also read many stories of people who do improve to a great degree. Those people who have improved, but are not “perfect,” will tell you they are very grateful to get to that stage. My advice is not to focus on returning completely to your former self. Look for small indications of improvement as time goes by. When you get to 75%, you, too, will find you are extremely grateful and will find a way to live with a deficit. It will become your new normal and you will find that more and more days go by when you do not think of the dizziness. Do not let thoughts of never being 100% normal again bring you down. Believe me when I say you do not have to be perfectly healed to have a happy and content life.

One other thing I learned is not to talk about how I’m feeling all the time. Family and friends’ eyes will start glossing over. You will find there are select people you can vent to (your mother, not your husband?) who will gladly hold your hand and listen any time you want to talk. (There’s also this forum where you can tell us how you are feeling, and we will never judge you, but support you since we’ve been there, too…) I know for me, my mom never makes me feel like a burden. But, as sweet as he his, my husband gets this certain look on his face when I tell him how I’m feeling, so I choose not to vent to him most of the time. Men look to solve problems by taking action. If there is nothing they can do to help you, it makes them frustrated. So sorry about your mother-in-law. She sounds like someone who has never had health issues herself…and someone who has never been given the gifts of compassion and empathy.

Post anytime, or PM me. I have been where you are. Things ALWAYS get better somehow, but maybe not as quickly as we would like.

Great post KennedyLane! :smiley:

Yes…great post, except my better support is my husband not my mother. I guess I am lucky, but wish very much my mom “got it.” Maybe, find who can handle it best and lean on them for support. It all depends, but this forum is full of others who understand and care… :wink:


I am so sorry you’re feeling so down. I can relate a great deal to what you’re going through. I now believe that during my second pregnancy I had MAV but didn’t realize it; the symptoms were just chalked up to pregnancy. I became overwhelmed with anxiety, was having panic attacks, and felt very depressed as a result of feeling dizzy all the time. I had a hard time caring for my son who was 2.5 at the time. I ended up going on Celexa towards the end of the second trimester and continued it for about 3 years. There were absolutely no ill effects on me or my daughter, I breastfed her for 2 years also. My MAV symptoms came back a few months ago after I’d weaned off the Celexa gradually. I think that hormones might have played a role because I was taking birth control at the time, too.

After a few weeks back on Celexa I would say I’m feeling about 75% better at this point, and more importantly, I’m much less depressed and anxious about the MAV than I was before I had started to figure this whole thing out and feel better.

You WILL feel better. You definitely will. Hang in there, and don’t worry about accepting help from others while you need it.


Thank you to everyone for your responses! I am trying to remain positive and just get through every day. The anxiety just gets to be too much at times and I have breakdowns. I started on Zoloft a few days ago but so far it has only increased my anxiety. My OB gave me Ambien since I really haven’t slept in about a month and I finally got some rest last night. I need to always keep reminding myself that there are medications I can try more freely once I’m not pregnant. It’s just so discouraging to read about all the people that meds don’t help. But I suppose that a lot of people that meds do help/cure aren’t posting on message boards. This whole experience has definitely changed the person I am. It has brought me to God and made me grateful for the blessings that I always took for granted. I pray that we all find whatever it is that can bring us relief from this curse.

Take a big deep breath…I just did for you. I feel for you so much and want to do something evil to your mother in law. :evil: She sounds like a ripper. Feeling depressed, anxious and low only makes things worse with this illness, like others have said, hang in there, take little steps and eventually things will brighten. It might be a good idea to just have one or two people you can be brutally honest with, to the others just smile and say you are fine, its all they can obviously cope with. I have a penpal from these boards, and she is a godsend. We email each other with it all and it just helps to know that someone understands. As for the drugs, there are ones that work and you must keep trying because there is no other option if diet and lifestyle changes aren’t working.

I have just come off a terrible 8-9month rollercoaster, more lows than highs, but thanks to drugs I’m now about 80% I’d say. I take pitzofen and amitriptyline which I am still titrating up, its a long slow road but the road is getting less bumpy. I have good and bad days but I now know I need daily rest to function at my best. Acceptance takes time but it will come. Your children only want you with them, don’t put the added stress of could/should/would in the equation. My daughter knows mum needs a rest and its not hurting her in the least. Lastly, is there a counsellor or psychologist you could go and talk to? They help so much as you can say whats really on your mind without judgement or fear of hurting others.
Take care, you are not alone, we all understand and empathise with you greatly.
Warm regards,
Jan xxx