As many of you know I’ve started a new job. The lead up to this job had me feeling anxious namely because I was worried how I’d cope in a new place with this beast and then there were just regular nerves about changing to a new place of work. Those nerves caused my symptoms to escalate and so by Sunday I was not sure how on earth I would handle Monday.
In a bizarre twist after taking valium for about 8 straight days as per the GP’s orders (I’ve never taken it that long continuously), I started getting a “paradoxical” effect whereby I would feel like I had just drank 4 coffees after a dose. I had to stop, was given Xanax to try, and that proved to be worse. Basically I went through the final weekend with no benzo and used meditation to stay calmed down though I was still charged Sunday night and got about 4 hours sleep only.
So Monday I got up, and said, “screw this” I’m going in day one hell or high water even though I was feeling super derealised and some slight vertigo but nothing that didn’t stop when I stopped moving. Made it through day one (love the place), felt elated, got home, ate dinner and got slammed with huge pain everywhere. No probs though … to bed with a 1000 mg aspirin.
Yesterday was the killer blow and has me seriously wondering WTF I’m going to do. There’s a new LCD monitor that I’ve been using on a fixed work station but in small short doses. I had such profound vertigo going on yesterday combined with just an overall ill feeling like I was going down the drain, that I really started wondering how I would hack the job one more day. On top of the monitor there is a massive amount of info to soak up and I’ve been meeting tons of people/ meetings etc. In short, I’ve been faking it bigtime. No one would have a clue but during a welcome lunch yesterday all I wanted to do was run out of the restaurant and lie flat in the local park and shut down.
I’m awake now at 4 AM with this vertigo entrenched. It ain’t going away this time. Clearly, MAV will escalate if I stay on this path. I have to see about this monitor thing but unfortunately work stations are fixed. I can’t use my laptop. Damn, if I could only use this laptop and get one variable under control. That new screen may be the one thing that is really doing me in. My achilles heel. Not sure entirely but very likely the main culprit. :shock:
Anyway, I’m blabbering on here but trying to think of the options to get through this:
Somehow get a new screen sorted out that does not kill me (hard to gauge now with non-stop vertigo/disorientation going on at this level).
Start taking Periactin at a low dose as per Granot’s recommendation
Try pounding the Valium again. I had a test run of it last night again and no coffee effect. I’m not anxious any more per se and so it seems to be doing what it did before. I think this is obviously the best first option med-wise right now.
Man this sucks. I really want to fly at this place and cut this ball and chain off once and for all. :evil:
I think you are very brave to even contemplate work. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Take it literally day by day. The first weeks of a new job are difficult anyway let a lone with MAV. You are afraid of failing or rather the MAV stopping you succeeding.
I think you can get filters to put over the screen that might help. Then start dividing the work/info into sections. Only do the most important. Work will appreciate you have much to take in. Have you been frank with them about your condition? If so make it clear that you need to ease off. Take the valium sparingly perhaps at a lower dose at strategic times of the day.
This is too be expected try and ride it out .It will be worth it
Sorry you have had a tough time of it Scott,but you sound like one tough cookie.It’s got to be tough starting a new job under any circumstance but with the mav I really admire you.Hope you get the screen sorted.Remember to deep breathe is about the only thing I can contribute other than to wish you luck.I’m sure you will pull through this.
Buddy - my heart bleeds as I think you’re a rock and I’m gutted this is hitting you like a freight train!
Be frank and tell them you need a different monitor because you suffer an acute migraine conditon (you dont have to try and explain MAV to them because they’ll pull this face :shock: ) - but say to your boss, the monitor has ramped up your migraines and could you try some alternatives until you get one thats right.
Could you not even look to see if there are monitors for sale that match the spec of your MAC and buy your own one and take it in??!!! Otherwise, get your ass to a PC World type outlet (cant remember the name of the shop you guys have - Norman ???) and test out sitting in front of different screens to see if you can narrow down what will help so you can go armed with info.
I have been thinking about you tons and was over the weekend and said a silent prayer for your Monday start (sorry it didnt help you tho). You clearly will rock this job. Dont doubt yourself. And dont wait until your brain reaches boiling point while you’re suffering in silence and then causes you a real mischief!! Tell them you need a work station assessment (they should’ve offered this anyway). Dont be reactive - be proactive.
Clear your diary each night for the first 2 weeks of this new gig and come home and destress/wind down. Focus. Breathe.
I know I’ll be the one crying on here when I eventually try and get back to work so you can give me some of this back!
Right now all I can say is I’m sending phat positive vibes to you from the other side of the planet. Hang in there.
I do not know how you manage to lead the life you do! You must be so strong and determined. This is just a temporary blip that I, you and this whole forum know you will get through!
And thank you for taking the time to keep us all posted on how you’re going - we’re all thinking of you.
Scott, sending you all my positive thoughts. You WILL fly at this new endeavor.
Fiona,James, Muppo and Izzy,
What great possible solutions and positive messages you are providing not just for Scott but for me (and I’m sure many others who are reading along). Was feeling like crap all day today, but reading your replies has motivated me to forget about my spinning foggy head and actually be a little productive today. Thanks for everyone’s uplifting support on this board!
Scott, sending you all my positive thoughts. You WILL fly at this new endeavor.
Fiona,James, Muppo and Izzy,
What great possible solutions and positive messages you are providing not just for Scott but for me (and I’m sure many others who are reading along). Was feeling like crap all day today, but reading your replies has motivated me to forget about my spinning foggy head and actually be a little productive today. Thanks for everyone’s uplifting support on this board!
John
— End quote
John - peace and stillness to you my friend - we are a team on here (albeit I know I’m still a newbie) but we have each other’s backs - no matter the longitude or latitude of the MAVers on this planet.
My battle is half won simply due to this forum. Period.
Scott I would definitely try the periactin - even one at night might help you sleep and break the cycle - not sure what your past reactions to antihistamines have been?
hang in there - I knwo it must be so frustrating and annoying when you want to dive right in, but you WILL get it under control again
Sorry to hear about the MAV rearing its ugly head! I concur what the others said, you need to be frank with your employer and let them know what’s going on. Perhaps they’ll allow you to use your laptop or even switch monitors for you.
You are an inspiration - dont know HOW you manage! Thinking of nothing but positive thoughts for you!
I am really sorry about your rough start… and you know what I am gonna say…lol. TAKE THE VALIUM! That’s your med, it works for ya, and let it help you.
Hang in!!!
Hey Scott, would one of those sunscreen covers that goes over a monitor help? I know they were used before monitors got skinny, but I don’t think they’re used anymore cause monitors these days are really good without glare issues from the sun. You should still be able to get one though. Maybe you could try one of those to see if it helps. Just a thought.
Scott…if I had great advice, I would have used it for myself some time ago :lol:
I just want you to know that you are one of the most respected “rocks” on this site and we know you can pull through this and beat it.
Something will break…something will give…something will relent and you will catch a break. I will say a big prayer for you from the great Northwest and hope things break.
You can do it…this job sounds like a champ and you are the “man”…keep it up,something will give
Congrats on the new job, but sorry to hear of the rough start. Our “family” here as it were, has given good advise and support, so know that you have it from me too. Instead of adding tons of extra reading to your day I’ll just add a few quick thoughts/suggestions. Take them as you will.
You probably, as we all likely would be, were already anxious about starting that new job, which triggered this horrible cycle. The valium overload and your body/mind already freaking out as it were, didn’t allow the valium to work for you. Then the xanax, which is different for you, just added to the mix. I think now, perhaps in your regular dosage, since valium has always worked for you, you should go back to using it.
Would a glare screen on your computer help you at all? I use one at work, with the computer brightness turned down, and it helps me.
Don’t let the cycle of all this trigger the anxiety monster which triggers the physical which triggers more anxiety. Easier said than done, I know. When you go home, relax, eat healthy as possible, know it is alright. When you return to work, you’ll get into the swing of things, not be thinking here we go again. It WILL be ok. And the weekend is almost here when you can take a few days to decompress.
It will be alright, Scott. Time will take care of some of this. Rest will also. You will figure out the remaining. We’re with ya. Hugs, Bonnie
I only ever got 4 hrs sleep the night before starting a new job, also the same when I was 16, before an Accounts exam, so have always been like that. That will get better after a few days, hopefully sooner. It was probably the first day evening, with the head pain and the Asprin to get rid of it that gave you more dizziness the next day (thats just happened to me, after two decent days, bad head, painkiller, left today with dizziness. You are getting the exhaustion on top of it, because you are coping with the dizziness, plus meeting new people, taking in new information etc. Remember at this point in time, luckily, nobody is going to be expecting too much of you as you are new in the job, dont try and prove too much, try and relax and keep away from that computer screen as much as you can while you are dealing with everything else, or do a little at a time.
I think if you can get through the next couple of days, it will get easier. The problem will be then, how much of a problem the computer screen is causing (this was your biggest fear when you went for the job if I remember). Did you mention anything at the time to them? If not, you could try saying you are surprised but their computer screen is causing you to feel dizzy and could you use your own for a couple of weeks until you get used to the job. Is it possible to do that, or am I missing something like you have to use their computers?
The first week in a new job is always the most stressful, whatever happens, next week should be better Just keep thinking weekend soon.
Your messages really gave me a boost yesterday. Can’t write much as avoiding this screen still.
The good news is that symptoms decreased yesterday a fair bit and I felt the old me kicking back in feeling quite confident about hacking through this first week and being able to hack the job long term.
Started Periactin last night at 1 mg. Slept like a log but very headachy today. Will definitely continue.
You are on the home stretch of week one of the new job! Only one more day then you can relax for the weekend - regroup and recharge. Very glad to hear that you seem to be pulling out of the worst depths of it. Fingers crossed it continues.
Well done on faking it so well thus far (seriously, Acadamy Award nominee ). If only your co-workers knew about your dirty little MAV secret!
I think Christine’s given some good suggestions on how you might get around the computer monitor question. Draw on those acting reserves and do your best puzzled and disappointed face “gee, your monitors here are messing with my eyes. I’m going to have to try something else”.
I survived the week – just – and fudged my way through despite some shocking vertigo and feeling really stoned half the time. Periactin made me sleep like a log but by day 2 started affecting my mood in a very weird and unsettling way. Massive detachment, slightly depressed, and non-stop head pain. I have no idea how it’s supposed to work when it’s a serotonin antagonist and here I am taking Paxil which has the opposite effect. Periactin is given to people with serotonin syndrome to REDUCE serotonin in the brain. Seems counter-intuitive to me.
All the while I now have a non-stop 24/7 dizziness going on that kicked in last weekend. I’ve got visual vertigo on steroids. This is freakin’ me out because I never have non-stop dizziness or at least can’t remember having it like this since 2003-4. Any changes in motion or any computer including my Mac is very bad news. I guess I just walked into the world that so many of you are “enjoying”. Valium takes the edge off of this but I clearly blew a large fuse last weekend after some snorkelling around for about 90 minutes (i.e. exercise) and then freaking out badly Sunday night before the job start. The new monitor has probably contributed as well. :shock:
I’m taking an LCD screen to work on Monday that I used years ago and one that I had become accustomed to. At this stage it won’t matter what I look at though. Just 4 days to get through and then we get 5 days off here for Easter and ANZAC day.
Time to get off this Mac. :shock: Sorry I haven’t been around much and haven’t answered PMs.
Well done for surviving the week scott. Logically the MAV with ‘have it’s airs’ because it hates change. Pace your self , everything you do. And the brain should get used to it.
I’ll just add a few quick thoughts/suggestions. Take them as you will.
). If only your co-workers knew about your dirty little MAV secret!