I’d like to find out if anyone’s relationship has been destroyed by this dreadful thing. My husband has been saying he’s had enough of it for over a year but now he’s totally flipped and wants me to leave. I have two young children whom I’m unable to properly care for when ill and he’s accused me of wrecking their lives.
How do others’ partners cope? I think my husband blames me for not trying harder to get better (whatever that means). He used to tell me it was all psychosomatic, until I had the +ve MAV diagnosis at Queen Square, when he sort of admitted it might be ‘real’ , but basically he’s fed up with it/me.
He works from home so if I’m off work sick ( which is more often than not recently) he can’t cope with me being at home ill. He also really resents having to take over childcare and cooking etc. when I’m ill. He can’t physically throw me out as the house is half mine and at the moment I pay most if the mortgage (I earn more than him at the moment), but if I have to stop work this would obviously change.
Anyone else in the same situation, now or previously?
D-I: I’m sorry you’re in such a tough situation with the MAV. My husband is pretty patient with the whole thing because he sees me push myself to do what I can then take downtime to rest, etc. And he sees such a difference from how active and driven I used to be so he figures that no one in their right mind would be making up this stuff including our emotional distress that accompanies it all. However, your story is the kind I’ve heard form chronic fatigue/fibromyalgia patients whose partners become fed up with it all. Can you apply for some form of disability there in the UK?? I know here in the US you can eventually get it for all sorts of conditions but it takes quite the effort and the country’s economic situation makes it much more difficult to obtain any assistance. Hang in there. We’re behind you.
I had a similar situation at one stage with my husband, he didn’t abandon me or say he would, but during a time of great stress, A (medication trial gone horribly wrong) I became quite sick and unable to cope or be at all normal.
My hubby who has always been financially and emotionally supportive, became what I call quite distressed depressed and “over it all”.
His sister had been privately chatting (behind my Back of cause) that this illness was all in my head, psychosomatic, this was even after a firm diagnosis from a neurologist.
Her mother was told by Dr’s that her back Pain was psychosomatic; she thought she would try to convince my hubby that this was the case with me.
Invisible illnesses are like this hey?
My sister has Lupus/sjogrens syndrome, no one seems to understand her plight but me.
So she has someone she can turn to when she needs a cry! As we all do from time to time.
I’m so sorry you are going through this disgusting mess you’re in, and I understand how lonely and frightened you must feel.
And shame on your husband for being so unkind.
I do understand the pressure Mav can have on a marriage.
When you find some good meds it will take the edge off your migraines and help you with coping with this monster called mav.
Maybe, you could print out some of the articles from this site and ask him to read them, he might get a better understanding of what you are going through.
We are all here for you.
How awful to have to deal with marital problems as well as chronic migraine. It’s probably making the migraine issue worse than it could be - how ironic eh?
I can actually understand where your husband is coming from. I’m not saying that it’s “acceptable” just that it can happen. Some people do not respond at all well to stress and adversity. And he probably never thought he’d be in a situation like this - it’s not the life he thought he’d have. Just as it’s not the life you thought, or wanted to have. Maybe he’d have had the same reaction if you lost your job, or one of your kids were very sick or you had serious financial problems. So maybe it’s not about you so much as about him - about his ability to cope? I have had MAV both single and with a partner. The partner was supportive however we weren’t living together at the time and I had good days and bad days. To be honest there’s been times when I’ve been very sick that I was glad I was single - it took all my energy to deal with being unwell - trying to sustain a relationship felt too much.
If you think the marriage is worth saving then maybe you could look into counselling and/or if you can afford it maybe some paid help around the house to take some of the pressure out of your home. Is it possible for friends or family to help at all? Maybe one or both of you just needs a break for a while - is that possible?
Just remember we all understand! Hang in there.
Dizzyizzy - how awful for you to have an unsympathetic partner as well as this nightmare of an illness. Has he actually spent anytime reading up on this illness to understand how awful you feel? It makes me really angry to hear that he’s said you are ruining your childrens lives - thats a horrible thing to say to anyone. Marriage should be about teamwork and in teamwork if someone isn’t managing then the team helps out.
It’s not your fault - it’s his fault that he can’t cope with supporting you. I’m sorry I can’t be of more help, but feel free to have a rant at anytime.
Hoping the best for you. Take care Tracey x
As is if this disease isn’t already so difficult to bear when we have no control over it but to have people in one’s life that can control what they say and do contribute to the misery is just so unfair and extremely non-compassionate.
So sorry you are going through this DizzyIzzy.
This is one topic that I am very fortunate in. My wife is blind, and because she has her own disability, she is very understanding of my condition and very helpful with my daily struggles. We joke about how when we got married, I was supposed to be the one taking care of her, not the other way around. Although, I will admit that instead of spouse, it’s parents and family for me.
I’m so sorry to hear this. I’ve had lots of folks tell me that they don’t know how my BF puts up with me. I’ve prety much been sick the entire 7 years we’ve been together. we aren’t married so he could walk away and surprised he hasn’t. There were several BFs in the past that wouled have left me for sure. even when i had this and it wasn’t all that bad just seasonal allergy dizziness the BF at the time would get upset if i said i was dizzy. he definitely would hae dumped me.
my BF now has pretty bad allergies and actually gets a lot of head pressure and stuff and has had dizziness in the past but just a little.
He’s a saint for putting up with me and i hope he doesn’t leave. i’ve never been one to depend on anyone before - never had folks to count on or so i felt. Now i have had to ask for rides to work and stores and stuff - it’s soooo hard. i’ve always been independent. it makes me feel as old as my 93 year old mother!
i hope you two can maybe get counseling or somehow work it out.
my thoughts are with you.
Hang in there. I don’t really have any suggestions to add that haven’t been mentioned in this thread with the possible exception of trying to bring your husband to your dr. appt. to hopefully obtain a better understanding of what you are going thru. As some of our female politicans are fond of saying here in the States at some point your spouse is going to need to put his big boy pants on and “man up”. Even if he doesn’t show empathy with the illness, you have 2 young children to raise. Your husband is just going to need to start dealing with life as it is rather than how he would like it to be. I was guilty of that some 20 years when I was in my late 30’s when my wife and I were faced with a number of difficulties. It took some time but I eventually came around. I hope the same will be true for your spouse; it will take patience on your part despite the days when you feel like crap. I hope you both get there. It worked for my wife and I (working on year 33 of marriage). She’s been very supportive of my illness, despite some of the noise she hears from some of her family members that its all in my head. I wish you the best.