Reflection of a Time Gone

*It has been a little over a year since I had my crash last year. And when I try to reflect on what was and now what is it is so very hard to do. But why is this year different, I do not know where the old me is , I have lost her somewhere over the last year or so and want to find her so badly but do not know how or where to look…

She was a kind person, an opinionated person at times but people always knew where she stood. She always put her family first and was always there for every one else that needed help. She love to go and do , she loved to take trips to the beach, she worked every day outside the home but was always there for her family, they always came first.

She loved the holidays and what they stand for and the time spent with family and friends , she love to have them over for cook outs and dinners and such.

But when I look in the mirror today I do not see that person, I see a meek shell of an individual who does the best just to get through another day. Same routine every day, get up eat, get on the computer, watch tv and wait to go to bed that night. Hoping another strange symptom will not show up that scares her into thinking what now , what is this…

Where is that person who loved life, who loved living, who loved walking with the man she married 26 years ago, who went with her grown kids places, where is she…she is missing and I need her to come back to me…I need to know that she will return again , hopefully sooner than later.

My life prior to this was vibrant , fun and full of life and living. My life today is very simple , very hard and living just doe not seem the correct term to use to describe it at all. I so much want to live again.

Reflection of time gone by is tough these days, those were the best days of my life. This week to all of you who suffer, my heart and prayers go out to you that you too may find your comfort and resolution.

I saw this on a thread on another site this morning …

When we let go of fear, only then, can we gracefully move from what was, into the miracle of what can be…

I, too, yearn for what I have lost every second of every day. However, this thinking (although impossible not to do) makes me much more sad. This is why I cry everyday. I guess we can only look forward. We are the same people. We are just very ill right now. I just hope everyday that the correct medication will eventually help me, as that seems to be the only way out of this mess. The days, though, are very hard, and I never want to get up to live another day. But, I do, and will continue to get up everyday, as what choice do we have. I don’t pray (as I’m not religious at all), but I do think of everyone often and wish that we get better soon so we can live our lives again with more laughter and joy than ever before. Now I am off to try to accomplish the daunting task of making lunch :frowning: I wish everyone well. I’m so sorry that you are having such a tough time, Timeless. I do not blame you. This illness is tough to cope with, even for the strongest of people.

*“It is said an Eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him a sentence to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate in all times and situations. They presented him the words: “And this, too, shall pass away.””

~ Abraham Lincoln*

*“When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place.”

~ Unknown*

You’ll get there…

Thinking positive thoughts for all of you!

Colleen, I am all too close, even with my own, very short venture into this infuriating ‘condition’, to being able to rewrite your entry word for word - and meaning it. But I cannot allow myself. I can not because, for me, it’s a slippery slope. It is the start of a downward spiral. I am all too familiar with depression to know where that first step is - and too familiar with the depths of darkness to know that the first step is such a quick and quiet one that it’s so very easy to miss.

Especially now, I have to watch my every step, lest I fall…literally and figuratively. I have to look to what I still have, celebrate what I can still do and stretch to bring along what seeks to lag behind. And after years of being the one to provide help - I am now humbled into being the one to ask for help. At first it was with a smile I didn’t feel…but before long, I realized that those willing to help…those offering to help, were doing so with the same attitude and feeling just as blessed as I did when I offered and helped others.

We are not given these things to learn…but what a waste if we don’t use the things we are given, good and bad, to build new understandings, forge new connections and create new paths for ourselves.

I have a goal. It is a huge one. I usually do 90% of my own landscaping. Maybe not for THIS project. However, I’m learning that I can also get people excited about my idea based on stuff I’ve done in the past. Excited enough to help in exchange for a cookout/potluck. Bet me I don’t get this done. :smiley:

You’ve got to look up. You’ve got to look forward. If you reflect on time gone, do it because you intend to pick what it is you’re going to bring back…okay?

The Dizzy Brunette

MJ - such encouraging words. I just had a crying spell of 30 minutes straight, and this intense sadness is always brought on because of mourning the past or worrying about the future. As hard as it is, I have to work on just staying in the moment. I can handle the moment to moment with this (as awful as it is), but the bigger picture is way too grim for me to focus on right now. I have to work on staying in the moment, but it is so very hard. The moment to moment stinks, but at least it is more manageable than handling the bigger picture.

Dear Heart! I’m 47 years old. There are decades worth of things I could mourn, not the least of which includes the distinct possibility that my name will come up in what undoubtedly be very expensive therapy sessions. I just KNOW I screwed up each one of my four children’s lives in a variety of ways - it’s just inevitable.

I could mourn the hot little body I just KNEW I didn’t have, therefore didn’t appreciate.

I could mourn Francois Fortin - the boy who loved me so much, had potential for a great physique and could play a classical guitar like no one’s business…but who also had QUITE the toe-nail collection. I know, right?

I could mourn not having lived on my own for longer than I did.

I could mourn the years of joy lost because of bad body/person image. My own mother’s name will definitely come up in therapy if there is a public option in our Health Reform bill.

I lived in Charlemagne and hung out with Celine Dion’s brother. My hand to God. Had I known, right? Then again…didn’t realize I had a great body and had bad self-image and all that. Crap! Missed it by THAT much.

The point is, of course, that there is always something to mourn - and mourning brings nothing. Accomplishes nothing. Crying, on the other hands, cleans the eyeballs and releases built up tension. Just don’t rub your eyes when you do cry. It messes up the tender skin, aka ‘the bags’ and makes you look older faster…then you got yet another thing to mourn.

*all of the above is said in partial jest.