Terrible evening...another day :(....began zoloft

I haven’t gone to any social functions in over 1 year. My husband began a new job a few months ago, and the hospital where he works had a dinner honoring new physicians. My husband never asks for anything, and I could tell that he really wanted me to go. So, I went. I didn’t dwell on it - knew I would feel miserable, but wanted to be there for him. Well, it was horrible. During the first year of this, I would go to some social gatherings, and as long as I would stay seated, I would be able to get by. I would feel miserable, granted, but could do it. Well, not anymore. Not only can I barely walk because of the violent unremitting rocking, but now sitting is just intolerable. I sat the entire evening, but couldn’t function at all at the table, as the spinning in my head was so intense and the rocking was ever present. It felt like I had to utilize all my energy to not fall over. Of course, the room wasn’t really rocking and I probably wouldn’t fall, but it sure felt like it. I just HATE seeing how much I am progressing. I thought last year was bad. Crazy how things can get worse and worse with this illness. I went home and cried for hours and hours. I know some people say to push yourself to do things and you’ll feel better, but that’s not the case with me at all, both emotionally and physically

So, I made the decision to start zoloft last night. I am so ambivalent about it. I ended up taking it (started on 12.5) with plans to increase to 50, and go off of it before baby is due in Feb if it isn’t working. Despite zoloft being a category B for pregnancy and my ob/gyn saying that it is fine to take, I am still so scared. I ended up having nightmare after nightmare last night. one consisted of my baby having a poor heartbeat, and was very ill. It was one of those dreams that was so vivid and real. When I woke up from this nightmare, I was resolute about not taking the zoloft anymore. Today, I am a bit more rational, and will more likely continue it. I sure wouldn’t be so ambivalent if I knew for sure it would work. I feel so crappy all the time that I don’t even know how it’s affecting me. Probably a bit more dizzy today and had an upset stomach this AM, but nothing terrible.

I am in one of those moods today where I just don’t want to live this life. I would NEVER hurt myself, but am just so miserable. this is just such an unfair existence, but who ever said life is fair.

Anyway, I wish everyone well, and sure hope we find a way out of this mess soon. All you good people deserve the best. I think about all of you often.

Lisa

Hi Lisa. I think I speak for many here when I say that we are proud that you continue to try to push through this and remain as positive as possible. Your husnad sounds very understanding, which in itself is a blessing. Your unborn child will appreciate you more than words can describe when someday you tell him what you were going through when he was born. By then, I this part of your life will be just a memory and a learning experieicne, allbeit a very difficult one! Try to stay with the Zoloft and I really hope that it gives you some relief, however minimal. Ben

Ben,

Thank you so much for your message. Your kind words about my baby brought tears to my eyes. doesn’t take much these days.

feel better,
Lisa

— Begin quote from “MAVLisa”

I haven’t gone to any social functions in over 1 year. My husband began a new job a few months ago, and the hospital where he works had a dinner honoring new physicians. My husband never asks for anything, and I could tell that he really wanted me to go. So, I went. I didn’t dwell on it - knew I would feel miserable, but wanted to be there for him. Well, it was horrible. During the first year of this, I would go to some social gatherings, and as long as I would stay seated, I would be able to get by. I would feel miserable, granted, but could do it. Well, not anymore. Not only can I barely walk because of the violent unremitting rocking, but now sitting is just intolerable. I sat the entire evening, but couldn’t function at all at the table, as the spinning in my head was so intense and the rocking was ever present. It felt like I had to utilize all my energy to not fall over. Of course, the room wasn’t really rocking and I probably wouldn’t fall, but it sure felt like it. I just HATE seeing how much I am progressing. I thought last year was bad. Crazy how things can get worse and worse with this illness. I went home and cried for hours and hours. I know some people say to push yourself to do things and you’ll feel better, but that’s not the case with me at all, both emotionally and physically

So, I made the decision to start zoloft last night. I am so ambivalent about it. I ended up taking it (started on 12.5) with plans to increase to 50, and go off of it before baby is due in Feb if it isn’t working. Despite zoloft being a category B for pregnancy and my ob/gyn saying that it is fine to take, I am still so scared. I ended up having nightmare after nightmare last night. one consisted of my baby having a poor heartbeat, and was very ill. It was one of those dreams that was so vivid and real. When I woke up from this nightmare, I was resolute about not taking the zoloft anymore. Today, I am a bit more rational, and will more likely continue it. I sure wouldn’t be so ambivalent if I knew for sure it would work. I feel so crappy all the time that I don’t even know how it’s affecting me. Probably a bit more dizzy today and had an upset stomach this AM, but nothing terrible.

I am in one of those moods today where I just don’t want to live this life. I would NEVER hurt myself, but am just so miserable. this is just such an unfair existence, but who ever said life is fair.

Anyway, I wish everyone well, and sure hope we find a way out of this mess soon. All you good people deserve the best. I think about all of you often.

Lisa

— End quote

Lisa,

I am sorry you are continuing to feel so miserable. And especially at a time that should be a very enjoyable time in your life. I was very sick (not with Mav) during my first pregnancy , morning sickness 24/7. But thankfully it ended once my daughter was born. But know that being a mother is one of the most wonderful and rewarding experiences a woman can ever have and you should cherish those feelings inside you even though they may feel distant at this time. My wish for you is that you will find some relief from this condition so that you can enjoy the hours, days, and years of motherhood that are ahead of you.

I know this seems so unfair at times but I guess I try to look as if everything happens for a reason and sometimes it takes time for us to understand why.

Do not give up on knowing that at some point you will find relief through some means , just keep searching, and know that you will one day be able to look back and know that these days are but a memory.

May you find some better days ahead and know that there are those here that care.
Timeless

Timeless,

Thanks so much. how are you?

Lisa

i am about the same, I have some better days and days that are about the same. But I have so many different symptoms going on I do not know how much is MAV and how much is hormones and how much may be something else going on.

The lastest issue is I have a lot of pain in my legs and I have no idea what that is, plus the numbness and tingling in my arms at night, to the itching that comes on for no reason , to the rocking sensation that is always lurking in the background.

Plus I have some severe dental issues to address but every time I start then the MAV symptoms get completely out of whack. And it takes about three weeks to get back to baseline…

I am not bedridden but I do not go anywhere except to the doctor when I have to go for an appointment.

The biggest issue I am dealing with right now is the anxiety that goes along with this …

Lisa,

Please don’t feel quilty for taking a medication. I have two young children, so I understand your hesitance to take meds. while you are pregnant. However, since it is a Category B it must be one of the most mild drugs used in pregnancy. I don’t think your OBGYN would advise you to take it if it could do harm. I have so much empathy for you because I know how awful this condition makes us feel. You deserve relief and I hope it comes your way very soon!!

Denise

Lisa,
I am really proud of you and your bravery for taking the zoloft plunge. Just remind yourself every time you take it that you are possibly one day closer to feeling better and really being able to care for your son. You’ve taken it in the past without horrid side effects so at least rest easy around that. I give you so much credit for putting yourself in a situation like last night. Don’t be surprised if you feel even crappier for a few days because of it. I avoid any situations these days because they too make me feel worse emotionally and physically.

I am really hoping in the next month or so you see a little improvement.
Warmest,
Lisa

Lisa (MAVNY)

Have you noted any difference since you increased your dosage? When do you think another medication would be added or tried at this point? How long have you now been on the medication you are on?

I hope you have better days ahead also,

Timeless

Hi Timeless,
I am on day 5 of upping my dose from 120 mg to 180 mg. I have possibly noticed a very slight improvement and am hoping that with a bit more time I will see results that can actually make me functional in this world. In a few weeks I will up my dose again and push it until at least 240 mg provided my body can handle it. My neuro is Dr. Newman and our plan is to max out verapamil for now. I am sure that zoloft is next in the pipeline if necessary.

I’m sorry you are not feeling well these days.

Thank you for asking…
Warmest,
Lisa

Hi Lisa

So sorry to hear this thing is really nailing you at the moment. I can understand your fear of this lasting forerver, but one day I will promise you will post a success story. I was in the exact same situation as you with my first bout in 2005 - 2007. It seems so endless, and the truth is nobody really understands the daily the life of this crap. While Im clearly not in a bad shape as you, I feel I may have got worse this year and not better, and it is very frustrating trying all the meds.

I hope you see some improvement on Zoloft, Im sure it wont have any adverse affect on your baby. Your baby will give you a new focus away from this junk when it is born, and bring something positive to what is a shitty existence to the table.

You are a fighter Lisa, like many others on the board, thats why you will get there in time. Thats all this junk is - one big waiting game and med lottery.

Luke

MavLisa,

How are doing today? Are you feeling any better …how is the medication doing notice any thing different yet? Just wanted to wish you a good day…

Timeless

This is going to sound crazy, but after one night on Zoloft, I couldn’t go through with taking it again last night. I did some more research on Zoloft and pregnancy yesterday, and even though it has been changed to a category B, there is still some risk especially of withdrawal in the baby after birth. Figure I have 4 more mos to go with this pregnancy, and the safest thing is to be free of drugs. Clearly, I am very ambivalent and may very well change my mind again, but for now I am off of it. I’m sure I’m making much too big of a deal, but I guess that’s my nature. I just don’t want to take the risk not knowing if this drug will even help or not. maybe in four months they’ll be a break through treatment for MAV - just kidding - that is not likely.
Your very ambivalent and indecisive MAV friend, Lisa

Hi Lisa,

You were really gutsy to go out to that event with your husband. Well done for giving it a go but sorry to hear it was a nightmare getting through it. I don’t blame you at all re the Zoloft. Only you can decide if it’s the right thing to do for you and the baby. I’m not sure how effective it will be anyway if you have it in the back of your mind that the drug might be affecting the baby anyway. I’d probably be reacting the same way as you in your shoes.

Really hoping this nightmare ends once the baby is born and you can get onto the zoloft or any other drug for that matter to stop the symptoms.

Take care … Scott

thanks so much, scott.
Lisa