I don’t know if I am crazy or if it’s just the stress of the holidays or what, but I just feel like total crap. My headaches don’t seem as frequent or as severe, but all the other stuff I still have and I think some new stuff is just making me almost violent. I already suffer from depression and anxiety, but it seems the ami is making it worse. I screamed at the top of my lungs at a CSR from kohl’s then burst into tears (if you knew the whole story that wouldn’t really seem all that crazy). I am more suicidal than usual and everything just pisses me off. I am OCD too, so I like to get things done and not wait around, so I have been done Christmas shopping since before Black Friday, all the decorations up inside and outside, all the presents wrapped under the tree so normally this would be a time to sit back, relax and enjoy Christmas. I finally even decorated my office at work and everyone tells me how nice it looks, but I can’t even enjoy it. I’ve missed so much work that I am going to have to dig into savings just to pay bills this month. I am an introvert and like it that way, but I hate going to work and I hate being around people–even family (which if you knew my family, that’s not all that unusual). My appt. with the neuro (follow-up) isn’t until January 13th, but I don’t know if I can make it that long. Every time I turn around there’s some new ailment to add to all the others and it’s all I can do to get out of the bed in the morning. I am just rambling now, but I guess I needed to vent because as crappy as my life was before this condition, it’s way worse now and it seems the meds are making life even more unbearable. Life just sucks.
Hey Katy,
It can definitely effect your mood! But angry? I can’t recall that feeling from the medication - though I wouldn’t be surprised. The symptoms we have to deal with can definitely be incredibly frustrating to the point of anger though.
I can definitely recall feeling more depressed sometimes when on Amitriptyline.
Like all medication for MAV/VM, you take it because, on balance, it improves your quality of life. If it’s not doing that, titrate off it. If, on balance it is helping you have to suck up the downsides I’m afraid, there’s no other way around it. Perhaps you can consider just lowering the dose?
Try and get out into nature during the sunlit hours of the day for a long walk - that may help your mood?
I think we are all generally suffering from a more restricted social life from COVID restrictions. Social interaction may not be everyone’s cup of tea but it can really distract you from symptoms. Nothing better than having a good laugh with a close friend which can give you some much needed respite from the vicious cycle of inward self monitoring. COVID permitting of course! Grrrr …
Another strategy to consider is try to find some interesting activity, hobby to immerse yourself in? (when symptoms aren’t overwhelming and allow it)
I am sure it can cause anger and other mood swings. However before potentially throwing the baby out with the bath water isn’t it just probable your current state of mind medically combined with the MAV and the general worldwide Covid situation might be the root cause? Trouble is with all medication for MAV, and depression, they cannot cure the root cause of the conditions, only treat symptoms. MAV in itself is a rollercoaster ride which completely changes life as we previously knew it at least until under firm control. Same can be said of Depression. Therefore everything seems stacked against you and there’s no way one person can take on the World, which I am sure is how it currently feels for you, singlehanded. It’s overwhelming. Makes every new or increased symptom seem like a fresh assault. The hand we are dealt in life is often unfair. Hard as it might be acceptance of it is the only way forwards. All the railing against it won’t change it one bit just make you more tired and angry. Try to accept things as they are and not beat yourself up because you aren’t feeling at all Christmassy. Be proud you’ve got it all sorted and try not to be so hard on yourself. The Christmas Season can be very hard for people who are under the weather. Maybe January will bring better times.
It is possible that it has nothing to do with the meds and everything to do with the stress of Christmas and being sick all the time. Covid didn’t really change anything for me as far as socializing because I have very few friends and I rarely see them and I only go out in public when I absolutely have to. I have had numb limbs for over 8 years and no one can tell me why, then I just got diagnosed with the VM/BPPV so I guess that is a lot to take in. Going for a walk is something I NEVER do as my body can’t handle it. I have a handicapped placard because I can’t walk very far without getting tired and it also causes me to have severe leg/toe cramps. I am just tired/fatigued all the time, then having the crazy auras, tingling in my legs, ear fullness and all this other crap, I guess I am just down. My mom is the main person I talk to on a daily basis. I love her dearly, but every time I try to talk to her about how I feel, she doesn’t want to talk about it. She hates me calling it a “condition” and doesn’t want me telling other people about it. Should I be embarrassed about it or should she/is she? She knows I feel bad about having called in so much, but she’s constantly stating that she hopes I don’t get fired. Yea, I hope I don’t either, but in the event I do or need to file for disability, I don’t think she supports that. I am so sick of disappointing everyone in my life, but no one seems to care how I feel. I would be able to handle all of this so much better if I could just stay at home with my dog, take some meds and not have the added stress of disappointing everyone because I couldn’t make it to work. I know it would be challenging to live on the amount of money I would get from disability, but it would be better than constantly being told that I should go to work even when I don’t feel like it. Until others have walked in my shoes, they can’t begin to understand the physical and mental pain I deal with daily and they all just think I am a hypochondriac. I am hoping for a better year in 2021. I won’t say it can’t get any worse because we all know it can and I don’t want to jinx myself further.
Awww Katy hang in there. You are amazing having all your Christmas stuff done!! My goodness. Mine is no where near sorted and both of my daughters birthdays fall just before and just after. Did you put your Christmas decorations up for the chance that you would start feeling christmassy? This might make you disappointed when it doesn’t.
What makes you feel good usually? I do go for long walks and do my VRT exercises on the way. My walk is in nature around a river. Lots of research with positive correlations between nature and a better mood. Perhaps you could sit near your garden? Painting, gardening, knitting, jigsaws, reading.
It’s good that you speak with your mum daily. You’re not disappointing her. It’s probably her way of coping that her daughter is suffering. Many people do this. I would imagine no one is disappointed in you. It’s your perception of things. Are you disappointed in yourself perhaps. Try to think of all the reasons why you should be proud of yourself. Look how strong you are fighting this. You’re doing everything right in trying to help yourself. Well done.
Keep going Katy. Deep breath and one day after the other.
Sounds like your mum is on the wrong track; you have a medical condition and should NOT feel ashamed of it or need to hide it. It’s not a visible condition to others so they don’t get it sometimes. But you should never have to feel ashamed of being unwell or of “disappointing people”.
Give yourself a break. Forget what other people think or want from you. They can go stuff themselves. You get yourself better, that’s all that matters. Put yourself, your health first. If they don’t get it, so what? People who have not been unwell don’t know what a chronic condition is like. Try to get yourself into a situation where you can take care of yourself first and foremost. When you’re better you can worry about what other people think.
And you can, you will get better. It can take a while. I had one really bad year, then two more recovery years but I’m pretty much 100% now. It happens. People nearly always get better from this. It’s a tough condition and can be really unpleasant, but you’ll make it - I can guarantee that.
Ami didn’t, but Gabapentin sure did. I said some of the ugliest things to people. After two weeks I told the neurologist that I was stopping it before I ended up in jail.
Amitriptyline made me irrationally angry, too. I am not an angry person, I tend to be anxious, but this medication, I wasnt anxious, or happy or sad, I had no emotions but anger and the impulse to be vicious. It also made skin numb (even in my mouth which was disgusting). I could barely feel anything on my skin, so it felt like walking when your feet are asleep. I was only on it for a short while, but it really set me back.
It made me seriously depressed. I stopped taking it right away.
Good luck!