I think what I’ve always dreaded is finally happening. First if all my boss called me in last week. Over the last 6 months I have had about 7 days off sick ( probably 4 different occasions) and as such have reached stage 3 of the sick leave monitoring process and may have to attend disciplinary proceedings. Worse though is that I found out today that my husband has seen a solicitor about a separation and what’s even worse has been told he’s likely to get custody of the girls due to my not being able to provide continuous care.
So I’ll end up with no job and no kids, thanks to MAV. I actually feel life would not be worth living under these circumstances. My parents are not much help and are elderly and live miles away so i dont want to involve them. I earn more than my husband so I’m not sure how he’d cope without my salary although if I’m sacked thats neither here nor there.
Dizzy Izzy - just wanted to say how awful this is for you. You need to get advice on what to do. I’ve been reading alot and from what I can gather if you have a chronic condition that can count as a disability and therefore your employee needs to be DDA compliant and can’t just get rid of you. Are you in a union or do you have a fariness and equality dept at work who could perhaps advise - if not maybe the CAB?
In terms of your husband, I really don’t know what to say except that I’m really sorry and you obviously need advice on this too. I can’t imagine what you are going through and all the stress won’t help.
Feel free to rant on here at anytime - we all understand how horrible this condition is and will try to support you through this.
Wishing you all the best
Tracey xx
Your situation really sucks. Am very sorry to hear that things have got this bad for you.
I’m not sure how things work in the UK but are you in a trade union? If so I think now would be the time to call them to get their advice and advocacy regarding your work situation. As for the divorce - I think you have to do the same as your husband and seek legal advice. I would also recommend seeing your doctor again to check in with/upgrade treatment strategies as well as a prognosis. If your employer is taking action regarding your health you need to be armed with information from your treating physician.
Sheesh - too much all at once, that’s for sure. But I just wanted to point out that you said “has been told he’s likely to get custody” - that’s all a lot of conjecture at this point. Suppose that’s incorrect - and that incorrect piece of info got passed along to an already demoralized person, who was convinced things can only go from bad to worse, so will of course believe that must be true…
It ain’t necessarily so!
And I agree it’s a good time to get aggressive about treatment options now, in addition to getting legal advice for yourself. I’m one of the people who got treatment that WORKED. Take care - hang in there - don’t give up.
Hi Dizzy - sorry you’re dealing with such big issues all at the same time. Doesn’t seem fair at all. I don’t know how things work in England, but it really seems crucial that you get the best legal advice that you can. And, I agree with the other forum members that treatment for MAV is critical so that you can keep going - not only for your kids but for yourself as well. Hope things start to look up soon, and you are able to keep your job. Hang in there… we’re here to support you.
Gail
I am in the UK. You can ring up a soliciter and get half hr free advice. So if you want, you can ring up one, then another, no obligation. You can go and see them or get advice on the phone. You will then get a clearer picture about things, the custody of the kids doesnt sound right to me, normally the woman gets them, if your husband told you that, I would double check.
Dont know what job you do, but it sounds like nothing is final yet, so maybe some negotiation around an easier position or less hours
If you were at home on your own with the children, if you can work just 16 hours a week, its around £300 something in benefit, not sure of the exact amount.
If you are at home without the children and you cant work you can go on the sick then on to the non working allowance (the name has changed just recently I believe with Cameron), and you can claim Disability Living Allowance.
I’m so sorry to hear about all of this. As if you haven’t got enough to deal with without having to worry about your job and child custody. I hope you can follow up on what Christine had to say and make sure you are advised properly on what your options are while you try to get this junk under control.
So sorry to hear you are having such a tough time. Obviously I don’t know the ins and outs of your situation, but it’s very unusual in the UK for a man to be granted sole/main custody, so please take heart from that. Someone having a disability is NOT a reason to take children away from them…gosh what a horrible place it would be if it were.
I can’t add much to the advice already given, except to say try the Citizen’s Advice bureau as they give free advice in both your situations re work and your divorce/custody.
You’ve got good friends here, and good advice. Even when the woman is not in as good shape as the man, in a separation or divorce she normally is given primary custody–but current doctrine tends anyway to favor joint custody, giving children as much exposure as possible to each parent.
I want to add one other thing. The stress from having important parts of your life threatened has a tendency to make all sorts of illnesses worse. You need all the help you can get, with every piece of it. This said, while talking to your docs is a good idea I don’t think this is a good time for risky experiments with your treatment.
Find ways you can to be good to yourself as you take on these challenges.
This just sounds very wrong to me and I am in full agreement with the previous posts. Please try your hardest not to feel so desperate, there are lots of avenues yet to explore.
On the work front, have you gone through your work sickness policy with a fine tooth comb and made sure that your company are fully compliant with it and have taken all of the required steps to support you? If not then you can challenge them in any action they may take. Also, do you have any friends within HR that you could speak with confidentially? I’m not going to repeat all of the advive you’ve been given above, but please speak with the CAB or a union/professional body about the work issues, and take legal advice re your husband. Please can I echo that it is extremely unusual in the UK for the father to be granted full custody of any children, especially little girls, so don’t roll over and accept that.
I’m also really sorry you’re going through this, this condition really gives people enough to deal with without the added pressure of unsupportive colleagues/family. I know it’s a cliche but take one step at a time and some door may open that you’d never thought of. Let us know how things go,
Hx
Just thought I’d reply before everyone thought I’d disappeared from this world.
Things are pretty dire. I’ve had the most excruciating (pain-type) migraine on top of the dizziness pretty much 24/7 since I posted this sorry thread. Basically I’m going to have to leave my husband if I ever want to get better. He’s simply had enough, doesn’t get it and doesn’t care. It’s got to a stage of physical and emotional abuse and I have no choice but to leave. When I feel well enough I’m seeing a solicitor. I earn all the money and I own half the house. My boss has been sympathetic so not imminently going to lose my job but it’s still a worry. Seeing my otoneurologist next week. Will report back.
Thanks for the update Dizzy Izzy but sorry things are still so shit for you. It does sound though like you’re figuring out what you need to do so that’s a positive step. Good luck with the neuro-oto and keep us posted.
It’s got to a stage of physical and emotional abuse and I have no choice but to leave.
— End quote
Dizzy – I’m so glad to know you are getting out of this situation although it’s turning your life upside down right now. Getting away from this horrible situation will give you a chance to truly feel better and to be well again at work.
Dizzy - So glad to hear your job is not in jeopardy at this point… that is good news. Also glad you’re seeing your doctor next week. You have a much better chance of improving or stabilizing after removing yourself from the abusive situation. Sorry for all the turmoil you’ve had to go through, though seems to be a step in the right direction. We’re pulling for you!
Gail
